I wrote this five years ago, in my good old Xanga: 

“Troubled

Today is inherently a sad day.  

For some reason, I am more troubled about it this year than I have been in years past.  Maybe it’s the extended media coverage.  I watched part of the original newscast on CNN (don’t ask why, I’m not sure what compelled me to relive that morning).   How little we knew then, how much chaos.  And how sad.

I guess I am troubled because I wonder how far we’ve come….or if we’ve come far at all.  How different our world is today, and how uncertain still. ”

I wish I could go back to my 23 year old self and tell her how far we’ve come. 

September 11, 2001: I was a few weeks into my first semester as a freshman at KU. I had an 8 a.m. class, and I used to get up around 6:45 to get ready and have time to catch the bus to get to class on time. It was a gorgeous morning.

My class normally got out at 9:20, but I keep thinking we must have gotten out early. I walked to the KS Union, where I always went to read the UDK, check my email and snack before my 11:30 Calc class. This time, I walked into the union, and I could tell something was wrong. People were gathered around TVs, sitting on chairs and tables, and standing wherever there was room. I saw the image of the tower on fire, billowing smoke. The south tower had already collapsed. The news program kept showing the images. Then I saw the north tower collapse. It was surreal. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. I watched for another 20 minutes or so before I had to stop.

I can remember going to the computer lab (we didn’t carry laptops around then), and reading an especially slow loading CNN.com. I wrote a very long, very emotional and angry email to the group of people I was keeping updated on my happenings at college (I didn’t have a blog then either). I don’t have that email anymore. I’m not sure if anyone I sent it to does. I was so angry. Maybe it’s for the best that it was lost in cyberspace shortly after.

The rest of the day is a blur. My calc teacher insisted on proceeding with class as planned. We still didn’t know too many details. I went back to my dorm, my roommates were still there, watching TV. Usually they were already gone to lunch when I got back. We watched a little longer, then I had lunch with them and Kristen. We watched TV the rest of the day. I don’t remember a lot else, except finding out who they were reporting was claiming responsibility. I remember my stomach sinking. 

I’m not sure that feeling has ever fully gone away, after 10 years.

I didn’t really, fully react emotionally until about a month later. I was sitting in the dorm room of my then boyfriend at the University of Wisconsin-Madison. I lost it. I was racked with emotion. What did those people do to deserve what happened to them? What did people from the culture in which I was raised do to deserve what was happening to us? How horrible. How horrible for all of us. 

10 years later. How far have we come?