If you know anything about me, you know that I don’t really write about the most personal parts of my life. Mostly because those are mine, and I feel that by writing them down for everyone to see, those experiences are somehow diluted, and put out there to be twisted and judged, and every other negative effect that could occur if I share too much of myself with the very few readers of this blogthing.

I’m vaguely and cryptically breaking that pattern here.

[announcer voice] For one night only!

Every so often I come across something, an event, an article, a photo, or some other sensory input that reminds me of things that happened a very long time ago. Years, decades even (but just years in this case).

Events that I have pretty much come to terms with, and don’t really think about anymore, but the effects of which won’t ever really go away. More like I’ve accepted the realities of the situation and assimilated them into my life experience, and, in effect, moved on. And then I encounter a vivid reminder that those events really did happen, and there really were consequenses, and that somehow, they still hold a wee bit of power over this self-assured gal.

Obviously, that happened tonight. I suppose it was inevitable. Still, I sort of wish it hadn’t happened. The emotions invoked by a few words, a name, surprise me and, in turn, cause more untold emotions to bubble up like [insert appropriate bubble metaphor here]. Mostly anger, and even a bit of that unbridled rage that was so fleeting when it happened originally, and even more so tonight. Also, a little bit of sadness at the way things turned out. But not much.

Mostly that churning uncertainty. Did it happen the way I remember it? Recently, the studies on human memory and eyewitness testimony cause some doubt. But I believed it was true then, and I feel the same way now, with the perspective of time. And in the end, I truly think that everything pretty much turned out the way it would have anyways, just…accelerated by the circumstances. Sure, there were casualties. I was one, if not the primary one. In a manner of speaking anyways.

What happened is long since over, and I can’t bother to think about it too much now, for fear that all the uneasy feelings, physically and mentally will return. I’m not denying it or pushing it out of the way. I accept it for what it was, and how it shaped me. I learned from it. And now, I am better.These reminders will come up every now and then, and the best thing I can do is just acknowledge it, appreciate the emotions, and get on with life.

Heavy, dude. Dude, I know.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled non-sequitor blog. :-)